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Bandwidth.

Jan 27th, 2012
by Shelley Senai.
2 comments


{Jamie Beck}

You know what’s weird? My back and forth, love and hate relationship with blogging. For the most part, I love it. The concept of it, reading other peoples blogs, and even a lot of the time writing and creating my own blog posts.  But then I go through these bouts of not wanting to blog. It’s not even not wanting, it’s not having anything to say. Sometimes it’s just physically not being able to bring myself to the keyboard to write.

I try to think about why that is. It’s not because things get busy. Things are always busy. I’ve blogged more during super busy times than I have during the slowest, dullest days of my life.

For a long time I thought it was a feeling happy vs. feeling low thing, with more blogging when I’m happy and less when I’m low. But I’ve blogged so much about the lower points in my life, I think that it can’t be that.

I think it has more to do with head space, and the amount that’s available for extemporaneous pursuits. It’s about how much mental bandwidth I have free, I think. Or is it emotional bandwidth? See now I’m torn. Maybe they’re one in the same.

Work has been going well lately. I’ve had to step up to the plate a lot more and I feel as if I’m really coming into my own. That’s not to say it isn’t stressful and I guess it’s the industry I chose to spend the majority of my days wrapped up in, but you never reach comfortable. You can’t ever really sit back and just be. It’s like Lucy and the chocolate factory. You can’t slow down for even a second or you’re screwed, and just when you think you’re getting the rhythm of things? The boss yells, Speed it up!

Not that I’m complaining, I’m grateful just to have a job. Grateful to live this nice, cushy life with my husband and my cat and my dog. Are things just exactly as I hoped they’d be at this moment? Gosh no. We’ve suffered quite a few setbacks in our master plan for world domination for life in general. But I guess I’m past the point of being angry about things. I’m at a place of acceptance, which is a beautiful place to be because it gives you the drive for action.

And gratefulness, what a lesson I’ve learned in gratefulness. To allow yourself to feel truly grateful in your bones for what you have, is to want what you  have. You know that saying? Want what you have. For so long it plagued me because I understood in it theory but I couldn’t feel it genuinely, in my soul. I wanted to feel it, but I also wanted so much more. SO much more. I’ve spent years feeling restless.

And now I know, you can have wants, you can want anything. But not having it won’t leave you feeling sad or anxious or frustrated or anything, as long as you feel grateful for your life and the people (and animals) in it, you’ll be okay. Funny how, as leery as I am about organized religion for so many reasons, gratefulness in prayer is the one thing I must say brings me peace.

My prayers go like this nowadays. Thank you for everything. I’d like for this to happen. But most of all, thank you for everything.

And I mean it.

Thanks for reading.

Posted in: changes, just sayin, on growing up, thinking.

Resolved.

Dec 30th, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
2 comments

For 2012

I will take the best care of my body possible. I will listen to my body and I will hydrate, exercise, fuel, and rest it as needed. I will do all this while striving to accept my physical person in all its imperfect glory. I will seek the realization that it is enough, I am enough.

I will pay closer attention to sources of stress and anxiety in my outer environment and attempt to minimize them while striving to recognize that I cannot control other people, things or events, I can only control my reaction to them and their effect on me.

I will more carefully nourish and cultivate my relationships with the people in my life, friends and family, old and new, close and far. I will make bigger efforts to stay in touch while showing myself mercy when life gets in the way.

I will forgive myself more.

I will make space for the quiet. I will welcome it in and become intimately familiar with it. I will continue to learn how to tune out the “have to’s” and “should do’s,” if only for one hour per week.

I will take one step each day toward my future goals, be it reading one chapter, drafting one blog post, organizing one coffee date, or spending just five or ten minutes thinking forward.

I will aim to keep myself organized for I know I cannot have peace of mind without my finances and my house in order.

 

What will you strive to do in 2012?

Posted in: changes, day one, thinking.

Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Nov 19th, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
No comments yet

In my everlong search for beauty and inspiration, I’ve started a new project. Go, follow, enjoy.

Posted in: random.

Secret spaces.

Nov 2nd, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
No comments yet

Morning friends! Fell down a bit of a rabbit hole last night and found myself obsessing over these cozy, intricate nooks and crannies. Now that chilly weather is here, I’d happily curl up in any of these secret spaces with a good book (currently reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks – have you read it?) and a nice, strong cuppa.

A bit of designspiration for you as you sip your morning coffee…. enjoy!

{All images c/o Lonny mag, borrowed from here}

Posted in: favorite things, house, just sayin, love, photos.

Beartown.

Oct 21st, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
1 comment

Last weekend, we drove out west for a long-awaited camping weekend with our dear friends from college. We met up in Monterey, Mass., at a state forest called Beartown, and there we set up camp on a lake and enjoyed a weekend of sleeping under the stars, building campfires and other such camp-like activities.

Andreas and I went camping this summer by ourselves (bought the tent, the air mattress, the cooler, the fire grate, etc.) and I have to say I like fall camping much better. For one thing, no bugs. For another, sweatshirts and cozying up and actually appreciating the fire’s warmth. But we did severely underestimate how low the temp would drop at night and how grossly inadequate sheets and a single old blanket would be.

On Saturday we had a big breakfast at a diner in Great Barrington and then continued on to Goshen for some climbing near D.A.R. State Forest. One of the couples in our group climb quite often and had all the gear. They were nice enough to guide us through the whole process, set up the line, loan us their gear, and talk us out of a panic when we reached a spot and began shrieking “BUT THERE’S NOTHING! NOTHING TO HOLD ON TO!”

After climbing, Andreas and I headed over to Pittsfield to visit Dick’s Sporting Goods and bought ourselves some good old fashioned sleeping bags! I couldn’t believe it when I woke up and asked everyone if they were just as frozen as we were the night before and they weren’t.  The secret? Sleeping bags! DUH. For some reason I didn’t realize that you were supposed to use sleeping bags with the air mattress. I thought sleeping bags were for the ground. Rookie mistake. Anyways, we picked up some super discounted mummy sleeping bags from Marmot and they were a DREAM to sleep in!

Now Ava, I’m not so sure how much she loves camping. I know she loves the fact that we let her sleep with us when we’re camping (well, she pretty much insisted on it and since she so rarely insists on anything, we relented). I know she loves any kind of hiking or walking in the woods, especially when she can be off leash. I’m not sure how much she loves campfire time. There’s no real place for her to curl up when the ground is all cold and wet and muddy. We try to pull her up on our laps but she’s a bit too big for that to be really comfortable for anyone involved. Plus I think she’s just kind of scared of the fire. She was shaking the whole time we were sitting around it.

But when we got home, she curled right up on the blanket we had brought with us and refused to budge. So who knows!

We had such a great time hanging with everyone at this beautiful spot. And now that we have everything we need to be comfortable, we want to go camping one more time before it gets too cold.

Posted in: ava, camping, fall, friends, weekend.

Fresh ink.

Oct 9th, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
6 comments

So, I did it. I finally pulled the plug and got my first tattoo. It still feels surreal to say that. Me? Tattoo? Really? Really.

To answer your questions, yes, I love it and yes, it hurt. But not too bad, honestly. The whole thing only took about seven minutes and the last half, as he moved toward my wrist, was definitely more painful and wince-inducing than the first part. But as one of my inked coworkers told me beforehand, it does hurt but it’s manageable.

The words are in Latin and they translate to “love conquers all.” It’s long been a phrase that holds great meaning for me. The short story is that Andreas gave me a bracelet with these words on it when we first started dating, for Valentine’s Day in 2003. We’d then occasionally scribble it in notes to each other, most notably in the ones we exchanged while I studied abroad. I even had it inscribed inside his wedding band. The deeper story lies in the way these words have served as a constant reminder of the strength and truth of our relationship. I think of that now everytime I look at these words, written in Andreas’ handwriting on my wrist, and they give me peace.

Next, I’m going for a sleeve. Kidding! But I do plan to get more. In time. For now I’m just enjoying the one I’ve got.

Posted in: artsy, changes, love.

Avaversary.

Oct 9th, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
4 comments

One year ago today, we brought this precious pit bull puppy into our lives. She has brought us more joy than I ever thought possible and my heart explodes with love every time I look at her. I am so thankful for our Ava.

Posted in: ava.

Life. (Lately.)

Sep 27th, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
1 comment

I owe you all a major update on my life as of late so here goes. First off, we had a couple of lovely Russian ladies staying with us last week (Andreas’ mom and aunt) who cleaned our house from top to bottom (including letting some of our furniture outside to “breathe”) and filled our bellies and our freezer with all sorts of Russian delights (we have enough pilemeni and varenyki to last us a good month now). And yes, we make our guests cook for us and clean our house. No free rides around here! (Just kidding, we so appreciate everything they did while they were here! It was like being in vacation within your own life.)

Second, I am getting a tattoo. Yep. Finally pulling the trigger. It’s funny, I’ve always wanted one but wanted to wait until I knew for sure exactly what I wanted to put on my body forever. I had been playing with getting the phrase “amor vincit omnia,” which means “love conquers all” in Latin, on my wrist for some time. Andreas got me a bracelet with that phrase on it, oh, 300 billion years ago when we first started dating, and I had it inscribed on his wedding ring. So it’s always held special meaning. But it was seeing the same words on my boss’ arm a few months ago that really set the wheels in motion. I think something’s changing in me because I also recently put two bumper stickers on my car where the thought of that used to freak me out a little bit. Oh the commitment! Apparently that’s all changed now and next Wednesday night I’ll have the real, live fresh ink to prove it.

What. Else. Oh! I recently lost 10 lbs. Which is obviously exciting. Between all we’ve gone through over the past couple of years and moving out to the suburbs, I managed to pack on quite few since our wedding. Now I’m just trying to get back to where I was then, which means 10 more lbs to go. I’ve set up little rewards for myself to stay motivated. 5 lbs down was new gym shoes (it’d been over 10 years since my last pair which is beyond embarrassing to admit but we’re embracing things around these parts). 10 lbs down was an outfit from the ridiculously pricey Lululemon which I splurged on last weekend. You guys. Their stuff is so lovely and fits so well. You can feel how well made it is. I see why it’s so expensive but yeah. No spending for me for awhile.

Also. We were trying to get Ava certified as a therapy dog but unfortunately it’s not going to work out. We went to two classes and gave it a fair shot but some combination of all the other dogs present in the classroom (to be fair it was like 10 dogs, some of them huge, squeezed into a room the size of my bedroom), our lack in getting her professionally trained and the stress of the whole situation that made it pretty clear, pretty fast that this wasn’t her cup of tea. She was seriously the worst student in the class, which would surprise anyone who’s met her because she’s typically such a calm, quiet, obedient, loving and loyal dog. But we’re hoping that once she gets a little older and gets some training, we might be able to go back. Now we’re going to seriously look into hooking up with a trainer and maybe even working toward getting her certified as a Canine Good Citizen (it’s this whole test you have to take).

So, those are the major things for now. Much. More. Blogs. Coming. Soon.

Posted in: ava, changes, family, food, guests, wedding.

Two years.

Sep 19th, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
1 comment

Two years ago today.

Happy 2nd anniversary to my one true love and soulmate.

Today and everyday, proud to call you my husband,
Honored to be your wife.

Posted in: love, on marriage, wedding.

Back to fall.

Aug 31st, 2011
by Shelley Senai.
1 comment

I woke up this morning to just the most beautiful day I could imagine. My favorite kind of day. Cool and clear and sunny. Slight breeze, bird song. The calm after the storm. What we would have called at camp, a zip-pi-dee-doo-dah day. These are the kinds of early fall days that made me fall in love with Boston (and yes, late August usually feels like early fall up here). That first time I feel the chill of fall in the air brings me right back to roaming Commonwealth Avenue, sitting in coffee shops with friends, rushing off to class, books in hand.

I’m fairly certain it was a day like this when we first pulled up to west campus in my parents’ van, packed to the gills with “dorm stuff,” got one of those ancient, big blue move-in carts, the kind with the wheels that go every which way but straight, and settled in to my first dorm room overlooking Boston University’s Nickerson Field. The walls were dingy beige cement block, the gray mattress long since worn flat, and I couldn’t have been more happy to be there.

It really felt like the beginning of something. Everything was new to me. The city, the school, the freedom to go wherever, do whatever. One of the girls who lived on my floor used to get on the T (back when it only used to cost a dollar! And going outbound above ground was free!), pick a stop to get off at, and just walk around and explore. This was in the first week of school. I marveled at her independence but in time I’d come to know the city too. I’d learn how to get myself practically anywhere, becoming much more familiar with Boston than my hometown.

College was a revelation. You could reinvent yourself, become a better version of yourself, even if for those first few years you acted more like the person you thought you should be, while you discovered the person you really are. It’s days like this that allow me, if only momentarily, to experience again that current of electric excitement I felt as college began, and then felt each September returning back to school, the promise of the unknown ahead of me, and now every fall, every time the air turns. It no longer means trekking to the bookstore, getting that first glimpse at my workload for the semester, or reuniting with friends on the street. Now we mark fall in other ways, the annual trip to the apple orchard and bag of cider donuts, the first beef stew and chai latte of the season.

There’s a lot I miss about college and a lot I don’t miss too. I don’t miss living in small, cramped spaces, don’t miss the constant shadow of schoolwork haunting my nights and weekends, but a few times a year, the breeze and the sun and the trees conspire to make me ache for what seems like a much simpler time. And momentarily, I go back.

Posted in: changes, day one, fall.

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