The new normal.

It’s amazing how long it can take to get “back to normal” after you’ve experienced such sweeping change in your life. New house, new car, new job(s), new lifestyle, really. New title. New status on forms. New last name. (I still have yet to switch over to my new email address with my married name, by the way. It’s the last straw and it’s ohsohard to break.)

I suppose that’s because “normal” is one of the most blindingly subjective words in the English language. Some even argue that there’s no such thing as normal, but I think normalcy does exist. It just varies from person to person and place to place. From time to time and even, day to day.

And for me, my normal has been completed reorganized. It’s kind of like going to a different branch of your familiar grocery store. All the food is the same and yet… the produce is where the frozen food should be. The cat food is in what should be the baking aisle. It can be completely disorienting. (And I speak from experience because yes, even our grocery stores have changed.)

But we humans can be surprisingly adept at creating new normals out of the situations life has dealt us. And as for me, somehow, miraculously, I’m starting to get a whiff of what my new normal will be like. The roller coaster isn’t quite over but we’ve cleared the last hill and the covered part of the ride is in sight.

I’m beginning to settle into my routine and new role as part-time childcare provider. Though every day is different, I feel at ease with the general structure of things. I’m learning how to settle disputes, sail through the stressful moments, and positively savor the little joys that working with kids presents you with on a daily basis. Like seeing them learn new words and repeat them over and over again (he couldn’t stop saying chimpanzee today, except it was “shimppin-see, shimppin-see”).

But the nannying portion of my week is the easy part. That part is all planned out, all I have to do is show up and smile. What has been much more challenging is being in charge of my own time. Balancing household chores (which, c’mon, you gotta do them. You’re home, they’re home. What’s your excuse?) with other projects both big and small, paid and unpaid. Finding time to nourish my little pipe dream I’m working on. Finding time to feed the blog monster (that’s you, but it’s said with great fondness).

Even just finding the time not to worry about money and the future. The sheer effort it takes to STOP the locomotive in my head. Getting myself motivated and yet, figuring out how to really relax (I’m still not sure how to do that without succumbing to the crushing guilt of what I should be doing, instead of relaxing.).

Somehow. Somehow even the managing of my free time is becoming more… manageable. Home is feeling more and more like home. And when I look at who I was a year and a half ago and who I am today I realize that I am creating the life I want to lead and becoming the person I want to be. No more painful smiles at meetings as I try to play along with the jocular banter, no more waves of anxiety before making a pitch call.

Even though I’m still figuring myself out, I know I’m more me now than I was then. And for that, I’m grateful.