Why I’m writing.

Hardly am I looking for sympathy. Sympathy makes me cry, even though it means the world. But I don’t need it to move on.

Hardly am I looking to become a voice on being open about miscarriage. Open felt right for me. Open is not right for everyone.

I’m writing about my miscarriage because writing is what I do. Writing has always come naturally to me and it is often the best way for me to process my emotions. When I was younger and felt sad or angry, I would write letters to the person I was feeling that towards. Those letters were rarely delivered though. The act of writing them was all I needed.

I’ve heard from several friends and read too how miscarriage can be so isolating. I haven’t found that. We’re fortunate to have a support network that comfortably drew in around us upon hearing this news. And in fact, it’s been when we’ve talked about it, that we’ve found others who could relate to our experience. In that way, it has drawn us closer to many in a way no one ever wanted but that exists nonetheless.

For the past couple months, I’ve been in a place of thinking I was pregnant but not feeling ready to blog about it (for fear of this very situation). I’m still glad I didn’t, but I did find that when I can’t talk about what’s really on my mind and in my heart, I have a very hard time blogging AT ALL. It’s like, if I can’t say what I want to say, then I can’t say anything at all. And I tried, believe me. I have a whole group of half-written posts sitting in my drafts box about benign, random topics. But then again, everything seems benign and random when it’s not the one thing you really want to say.

And now! Now I feel a sense of freedom. I feel like the floodgates have been opened! Finally, I can talk about what I’m really feeling. Even if it’s sad, even if it’s unpleasant, it’s liberating to just be able to say it. Get it all out there. I’ve never been one for harboring.

So that’s why I’m writing about it. Because I can’t not write about it. And because I’ve always tried to make this blog an authentic reflection of my life. It won’t always be pretty but at least it’s real.