Open.

I had a dream last night that I was still pregnant. At times, I wasn’t sure if I had just gotten pregnant or if I was still pregnant from before the miscarriage. If somehow the D&C didn’t take or missed something and I had a little survivor baby inside of me. So ridiculous but that was my dream. No, now I remember. It wasn’t that I was pregnant again. It was that I was still pregnant.

And did I feel happy! Let me tell you, the whole dream was a happy dream. I didn’t worry about the details of how it was possible, I was just happy it was happening. For some reason too, it was very suddenly almost time to have the baby. I knew it was way too soon. But again, dreams, details, you don’t worry about these things.

Anyways, that’s most of what I remember. And then I woke up and realized the whole thing was a dream and felt sad. You know, I’m okay with the fact that it happened. I get that it happens to so many people. A childhood friend of mine’s mother recently told me that the joy of  having even one child is worth whatever you endure to become a mother. I find great comfort in the thought that this loss is all part of my journey toward becoming a mother.

But. I liked being pregnant. It’s so weird to say that, to think that I was pregnant and have nothing to show for it. Everything is back to normal now, I am feeling more and more like old me again. It’s easy to forget that we even started down that path. That we had a first maternity appointment scheduled and we had ultrasounds and we gave a fleeting thought to baby names. Everything is as it was now except for this one thing that happened a few weeks ago.

Sometimes I want to forget. Forget the shock and joy and somehow, relief, of seeing a positive result on the home pregnancy test. I feel like even just that one small moment was something I had waited for for my whole life. And I know that the next time it comes around, and I have faith that it will, it will never be like that first time. It will be tainted. My eyes will view that + sign with a mix of happiness and dread. Dread of what if it happens again. It’s not going to stop us but … what if.

But I know too that it will be a deeper, richer experience, because of what we’ve been through now. We never took it for granted, never assumed everything was going to work out, but I know we’ll be more thankful next time. Being pregnant was like this little secret I carried around with me. When I was stressed, I remembered that I was pregnant and then, nothing else mattered. It was so much bigger than everything and I want it back. I want to go back there. I’m terrified, but I know it’s worth it.

And I know this experience has opened me. Before I thought maybe, but I was scared. Now I know for sure that I’m ready. Ready to be a mother.